☼ Wing ☼ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
winged_knight) wrote2013-01-12 02:18 pm
winged_knight) wrote2013-01-12 02:18 pm
[R/A Canon][IC] Excerpts from Wing's Journal Part 1: The SG!Wing experience
((SLIGHT MENTION OF VIOLENCE AND ADULT THEMES BELOW.))
[A date, a week or so after the lost pages were resolved.]
Rung suggested this. He said it'd be good to talk about it. To purge it somehow. All this... cloying darkness. It turns my tanks to think about it, but the memories and thoughts come unbidden, triggered by the smallest things.
But how do you even talk about something this? I hate to think on it even...let alone speak it aloud. To tell someone, especially someone...involved. In those thoughts...somewhere.
So here we are I guess. Somewhere to put all of this that isn't...inside me. Because I want them gone, purged, or stamped far enough into submission that they're unrecognizable. They'll fade from memory eventually, in theory, right? But these aren't like normal memories. They're like a stain I can't scrub out. And they feel FOREIGN. Filed like all my other memories but SHAPED WRONG. Bad dreams and horrible nightmares.
I don't even understand all of them. The ones in the beginning are fuzzy, very much like a dream, which is what I thought they were upon waking as myself again, saved by the light. Until after the third night I discovered they were real. Because I didn't wake in my berth. I just came back to myself, standing outside Vector's temple bathed in Prima's light. The fourth night was when he figured it out. HE because Rung says it's good to separate them, ME and this dark mirror of myself. And he learned to stay out of the light. Which let him...do more things. And that's when I lost all control.
I say that, because it felt that way-- not even a passenger in my own body, my awareness was always fully subsumed... but I wonder... if there was somehow some influence. Some of the actions seemed distilled compared to the thoughts that went with them.
Like letting Blurr escape, or not striking down Vandal, or...his strange obsession with Drift.
I just don't know.
[The next day]
I'm starting to think that it was the Great Sword afterall... It was not effected by the change and HE seemed to have a distaste for it. Why he didn't leave it behind I don't know. Maybe he didn't realize it was influencing him. But maybe, the part of me that is the sword's side of the bond created that influence? I still don't know, don't understand enough about the sword's power.
The more days that passed the more vivid the memories became. To the point that I remember not only the actions, but some of the thought process that went with them.
I wish I didn't.
I'm guessing the fact that he didn't actually accomplish as much he seemed to WANT to was a byproduct of the Sword's influence. But those thoughts are still there, they still linger, and are far darker then the actions themselves.
This is what I need and want to escape.
[A few days later]
People in general seem forgiving enough. Whirl's given me some troubling food for though. His perspective is unique...
[Deleted Entry]
[Some weeks later]
I'm not sure what to make of hisfeelings state of mind in regards to Drift. It bothers me--it's abhorrent, actually, the way he considers people as things, for only the way they can suit him. Drift worst of all, treated like a possession, but one so prized it's willing.
I am glad, so infinitely glad, that Drift was not himself during this time. The sheer rage at being avoided, being denied, was appalling. And the thoughts he had, the things he wanted to do.
The cutting, delicate slices made, the seep the energon, they way he uses his mouth... The delicately laid words, both sweet and disparaging. The woven net of suffering rendered and comfort given. The way he promised pleasure and then denied it, like a taunt, issuing it in small parcels until overload was allowed.
I hate it.
But at the same time........ it's arousing.
It makes this the hardest thing to purge.
And that makes me hate it more. Not just in the way consent was...unknown. But in the way he seemed to convince Drift he wanted it.
I can't imagine him doing that. Wanting it. Not...like that. As a thrall. Someone's....plaything.
Just.
No.
I know he'd do anything for me. I NEED to be careful.
[A date, a week or so after the lost pages were resolved.]
Rung suggested this. He said it'd be good to talk about it. To purge it somehow. All this... cloying darkness. It turns my tanks to think about it, but the memories and thoughts come unbidden, triggered by the smallest things.
But how do you even talk about something this? I hate to think on it even...let alone speak it aloud. To tell someone, especially someone...involved. In those thoughts...somewhere.
So here we are I guess. Somewhere to put all of this that isn't...inside me. Because I want them gone, purged, or stamped far enough into submission that they're unrecognizable. They'll fade from memory eventually, in theory, right? But these aren't like normal memories. They're like a stain I can't scrub out. And they feel FOREIGN. Filed like all my other memories but SHAPED WRONG. Bad dreams and horrible nightmares.
I don't even understand all of them. The ones in the beginning are fuzzy, very much like a dream, which is what I thought they were upon waking as myself again, saved by the light. Until after the third night I discovered they were real. Because I didn't wake in my berth. I just came back to myself, standing outside Vector's temple bathed in Prima's light. The fourth night was when he figured it out. HE because Rung says it's good to separate them, ME and this dark mirror of myself. And he learned to stay out of the light. Which let him...do more things. And that's when I lost all control.
I say that, because it felt that way-- not even a passenger in my own body, my awareness was always fully subsumed... but I wonder... if there was somehow some influence. Some of the actions seemed distilled compared to the thoughts that went with them.
Like letting Blurr escape, or not striking down Vandal, or...his strange obsession with Drift.
I just don't know.
[The next day]
I'm starting to think that it was the Great Sword afterall... It was not effected by the change and HE seemed to have a distaste for it. Why he didn't leave it behind I don't know. Maybe he didn't realize it was influencing him. But maybe, the part of me that is the sword's side of the bond created that influence? I still don't know, don't understand enough about the sword's power.
The more days that passed the more vivid the memories became. To the point that I remember not only the actions, but some of the thought process that went with them.
I wish I didn't.
I'm guessing the fact that he didn't actually accomplish as much he seemed to WANT to was a byproduct of the Sword's influence. But those thoughts are still there, they still linger, and are far darker then the actions themselves.
This is what I need and want to escape.
[A few days later]
People in general seem forgiving enough. Whirl's given me some troubling food for though. His perspective is unique...
[Deleted Entry]
[Some weeks later]
I'm not sure what to make of his
I am glad, so infinitely glad, that Drift was not himself during this time. The sheer rage at being avoided, being denied, was appalling. And the thoughts he had, the things he wanted to do.
The cutting, delicate slices made, the seep the energon, they way he uses his mouth... The delicately laid words, both sweet and disparaging. The woven net of suffering rendered and comfort given. The way he promised pleasure and then denied it, like a taunt, issuing it in small parcels until overload was allowed.
I hate it.
But at the same time........ it's arousing.
It makes this the hardest thing to purge.
And that makes me hate it more. Not just in the way consent was...unknown. But in the way he seemed to convince Drift he wanted it.
I can't imagine him doing that. Wanting it. Not...like that. As a thrall. Someone's....plaything.
Just.
No.
I know he'd do anything for me. I NEED to be careful.